Thursday, August 24, 2006

Thinking About Returning Soon

Where are you? Are you there? In case you still care, I'm thinking of blogging again. You know..purging in a small text box for all the world to see. It's time I think or at least it will be. I have a lot to say. I have a lot to share. I have a lot to purge!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

In Other News

Although it may sound far fetched, ya gal is working towards building her very own nonprofit org. Yep. My old ass is getting bored now and at the point where I want to "make a difference in my community". (sigh) The road ahead seems very gloomy, but I'm going to keep going strong until something comes of this. Won't really share the type of nonprofit. Let's just say it will benefit low-income teenaged girls.

Bella's still on a slow drip. I went out tonight and bought some newborn Huggies (ok...the fake CVS knock-offs). I wonder what it'll be like to wrestle her down and strap on da pampa. Oh good greateous. That's insane. Man this sounds crazy but I wouldn't be me if I didn't think it. Bella's coochie is on SWOLE!! OMG. Can you imagine if women went on swole like that? Picture it.... Bella's vulvar area is almost three times its normal size. It's soooo obviously sticking out and you can see it from behind. Imagine how men (and sexually deviant lesbians) would react if women's coochies were swollen so much that you could see the "bulge" from behind. That would be the beginning of the apocalypse awf da imminent cataclysm and shit. Niggas would be seriously putting their noses up hella butt cracks...lmao! And women would have that "not so fresh feeling" cuz they'd know that their coochie lips look like somebody shot heroin in em, and they couldn't wear spandex. LOL That's some funny shit. I can see the commercial..

Lips outta control?
Camel toe gotcha down?
Can't leave your house in peace?
Everyone knows it's nasty time?

Well....

The solution is here!

The Pussy Lip Protector

These lightly scented lip covers will deter the male species (and horny lesbians) from following you everywhere. It's disposable, reusable, and virtually undetectable. No one will know that it's a free-for-all. People will simply think that you smell nice. Little do they know...you're hornier than Leontine Price's back up band. But it's not dey business anyway. Why should it be? Dems yo' lips after all.

Put Dems Shits on LOCK


Patented and endorsed by Chapstick


I saw the strangest thing at the Fat Doctor's office (yep...I need to drop 50 pounds). Okay. I SAW something strange and I may have a lawsuit pending. First, I saw this lady that had on open-toe sandals right? But only her big toenails were painted red. The rest of her "little piggies" looked like she hadn't been declawed in months. I mean her toenails were dry, cracked, and hanging over her shoes. I found that pretty strange and thought I'd share. I wonder what she was thinking and why she felt the need to keep her big toes pimped. Dunno.

The next thing was...the new doctor in the office (my original doc. died in a car accident). I was sitting on the bed..naked with my butt cheeks exposed for all be dayumed when the new doctor walked in. I was pissed originally because they'd had me in the clown gown for over an hour and no one had come into the examination room. But finally, Mr. New Doctor showed up and was a complete asshole. As soon as he asked me how I was doing, I told him how I didn't appreciate being left for over an hour. So being my usual self, I was a dry-assed, unapproachable BITCH. All I needed for him to do was take my blood, my blood pressure, give me an injection and a few pills, and send me on my way. Nope. The machismo was on EXTRA, he kept trying to lighten the mood, and after I continued to be dry and unaffected, he had to GO THERE. I'm glaring at him b/c I didn't find his wit appealing at all. After snatching off the band-aid from my shot, he starts literally slapping me in the back to, according to him, check my reflexes. I was so heated, I didn't flinch. I just wanted him to hurry it up. Because I sat there like a rock while he slapped me in my lower back, he says to me, "I guess you haven't been spanked in a while." WTF?!!!!!!!! Did this bamma just say that to me? And did his attendant hear what I heard? OMG!!!! I'm naked, with all my goodies hanging out, and this cocksucker asked me about my spanking history? So I reply, "I'm not sure that's appropriate." Silence. More silence. Then new doc. says, "Oh..so you don't think that's appropriate?" OMG!!! He's still being a smart ass. I looked at him dead in the eyes, and then I looked at his attendant with my bitch-do-something face and say, "Like I said, I'M NOT SURE THAT'S APPROPRIATE DOC., and is that your way of countering my short responses?" Basically...IS DAT ALL YOU GOT MOTHERFUCKER?! After he finished, I became very very very angry. I walked out of that office awf da, NO DISS NIGGA DIDN'T!!!!!! Tomorrow's the day. I'm calling the man next to the man, and I'm paying that doc's office a visit. This time..with all my fucking clothes on.

The older I get, the more sappy I become. I met a classmate at Ruby Tuesday's tonight to go over a work plan. Instead of doing our homework, we decide to play the gettin-to-know-you game. After two hours of sharing family stories, backgrounds, and personal experiences, we find out that we were meant to be pals. This girl is so sweet. Very sweet in fact. I sat there in front of all the brothers watching the Bulls play the Wizards and commenced to cry like a dayumed fool. Right there in front of everyone. My heart grew soft after hearing her share certain things with me. FULL SAP MODE IN PROGRESS. Yeh folks. I'm old. I cry. I hug. Effing hormones...damn them all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay I see it's nite nite time. Yall be easy.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

She's a Woman Now


Great God Almighty! I come home today, and Bella (my Shih Tzu) done got her period! OMG!!!!!!! Okay, we wuz ghetto when I grew up. Always had a mutt...a male mutt. My father was adamant about getting a "boy dog". Now I understand... Bella would be my first little bitch. I've heard horror stories about she-dogs getting a period, but nobody had the balls to say, "Yo dog gon bleed all over herself."

Evermean and I planned on getting her spayed, but the vet suggested that we wait until after she was 6 months old. Yay for us. We had more time to snuggle, spoil, and play with her. So basking in her cuteness, Evermean and I procrastinated for two more months. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! She just got her rabies shot on Friday, and the vet told us to go ahead and schedule 'the spaying surgery'. Perfect. We planned on getting her snipped and tucked within the next week or so. Well yesterday I noticed Bella wasn't her usual bubbly self. She wouldn't run around and play, she didn't respond to us like normal, and she just looked so sad in the face. What's wrong with my baby??? So today Evermean took Bella to see her uncles (two Dobermans), and they went stark raving mad awf da butt sniffin! We had to snatch her up and get the hell outta there cuz "uncles" were awf da R. Kelly. When we got home tonight, her little man in the boat was three times its size. Okay so I'm still in denial. My little pooch can't possibly be...not right now...please no!! After CSI, I tried playing with her but she wouldn't even chase her little lamb around. Dammit all to hell!

I looked on PetSmart's website to see if they had puppy sanitary napkins. OH GOD! They have "puppy diapers" for that. I'll be dayumed if I'm gonna go out and purchase pantyliners for her little fanny. I'll sooner gather up some "tawlet tissue" and mummify her white ass. My little Bella. I feel like throwing the punch bowl down on the floor awf da "dayum dayum dayum!!!!" We can't have three bitches up in here going thru PMS. Heyls naw!


Thursday, April 28, 2005

Workplace Chickinz


I try so hard to understand the thought processes of some of my 'sistas' in the workplace. There are many different people at work, but my sistas..some of us.....whoa. Yes, you have all types: Bob - your typical, middle of the road "worker bee", who just comes to work to WORK. Not too much work going on at all. Gets all of his deadlines met, doesn't make too much noise, doesn't ever call out sick, and NEVER gets drawn into the office clique culture. Just Bob. He's the guy who takes his annual family vacation the same time every year. Then you have Betty - The chuckling, post-retirement 'silver fox', I-have-this-job-because-I'm-bored type, who wears way too much makeup. Yeh. She's a friendly gal. Always so damned chipper in the morning awf da, "Nona! Didja have a good evenin'?" The office bubbly who's the oven master wit da treats for the company potluck. Let's not forget Ronald - the 'suit' that flirts with all the girls and he knows how to 'act right' at work to keep his family proud that he made it. We all love Ronald, Mr. Smell Good. The football pool guy who's always accusing people of cheating. How about Debra - She gets along with everybody. KNOWS EVERYBODY'S BUSINESS, but she seems to maintain just fine. Stays under the radar. She's the one with the baddest shoes. Bitch be dressin' and everybody thinks she's cool. Tough to figure out but she's cool. Then you have the other 'uninteresting people' who are too BORING to describe. Jen, Greg, Lance, and Nikki. The office John and Jane Doe's. High drama with them but they're bland.

I have to say my friends, these people we work with are harmless. We find ways to work around our differences by telling lame jokes and exchanging pleasantries at the water cooler. We have the occassional 'guess what happened to me last night' chats. Everything's gravy. But I don't have an issue with the NORMAL PEOPLE. My personal beef is with them ghetto-assed, ignorant, work chickens. You know em well. Office hens.....the mighty ducks....those fucking come over to get over, beating the system, , broken English speaking, fake designer handbag having, wannabe somebody CROWS. Your typical nasty, funky, stank attitude having, broken home dwelling, MYOB deficient HOES we work with. I can't stand them cunts! Oh God in heaven! What has happened to some of our 'sistas'? They couldn't 'carry da one' or offer a word with more than two syllables to save dey dayumed lives! I wanna duck king dem rats (ball up fist and clobber them on the crown of the head - whack a mole style). GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

What chapter in the Black Folks Manual said, "When you get a job, be as trifling as you know how to be cuz dey payin' yo' ass anyway." Please tell me what part!!!! Cuz I obviously missed the part where they said that wearing your 'saltshaker' outfit to work was aight. I never read, "Wearing flip flops to an all hands meeting is wus up!" Never!!!!! So tell me. Where did they come from? I had to miss something. Because this epidemic is growing at startling proportions. THere are some trifling assed females out there.

I work with two of them, and I'm getting a migraine just thinking about some of the shit they do. Their smoking breaks, if you combined them into one block of time, is longer than an hour. WTF! They bring aluminum foil to catered meetings. They don't just copy personal shit at work, nah..better. They steal about 4 reams of paper, use the fax as a regular phone, and take one of each office supply home on shipment day. THem bitches. They're the ones I'm trying to figure out. How do they ace interviews? When does DyQuanna bust out? I cram every day to understand the mentality. And when another 'sista' is the boss. Expecially THEIR BOSS. Watch out! Watch the fuck OUT!!!!!

I'm uber professional at work. It's really not a game with me. When I see other people...PRIVILEDGED PEOPLE...getting respect, promotions, bonuses, and THE WINDOWED OFFICE, that's what the fuck I want and fuck all the rest. I can be ghetto wherever the hell I want. I can play ignorant and I'm not a stranger to disfunction. But when a bitch got some dollars on her mind.....whoever don't understand this game we call having a job, fuccem!!! EFF DEM!! I don't care if they never invite me to their daughter's kiddie cabaret. FUCK THEM. I'm bout bidness. Being that way with the project chickens, you instantly become THE BAMMA ASSED, WANNABE WHITE, DEVIL. What they haven't realized is...

This wannabe white devil will show her horns in dem streets. Don't get it twisted. Just because I can 'network' on the job and maintain a spot high on the pecking order, doesn't mean I won't snatch off deez earrings and mop the flo' wiff yo ass! It don't necessarily mean I won't read you like a drag queen on acid. Nah yungin'. Sleep if you must, but don't look at me stupid when the breath from my nostrils is blowin down oun yo' top lip. You can have George Forman or OJ..your choice. And I ain't tawkin' bout breakfast BYATCH!

This is going to be a LONG year.

Side note: I forgot to mention Tom, the office VP (asshole)..lmao!!!

Friday, April 08, 2005

Get Up Stand Up


The ostrich is no longer afraid. I've taken my head out of the sand for some much needed fresh air. It seems like it's been forever since I've looked at this interface better known as blogger.com. The numbness is wearing off and I think I'll start sharing again. I've gotten emails and checked up on my blog family and realized....

A LOT OF SHIT HAS CHANGED.

I want to first apologize publicly for something I've done. I received a very saddening email from Angelique BKA Saucy Dame. She took the time to carefully document the last few months before her note, and she sent a copy to me. We're pals. Have spoken on the phone..laughed..shared...etc. And I neglected to reply after reading her email. Why? I don't know if there's just ONE reason why. I do know that it wasn't personal. It was downright selfish. Plain and simple. I was in co-existing in a dark place, I was experiencing probably one of the most frustrating, disorienting, emotionally challenging times of my life. I was contemplating distancing myself from everyone and everything that mattered. I cared about NOTHING. I considered NOTHING, not even myself. Just a fucked up season. Like the star loser of the Bad News Bears. Angelique fell victim to that part of me.

There was no reason for me to just ignore her. It wasn't premeditated. No one knows but her and I. My conscience tells me I was dead wrong and I hurt her feelings by not even having the decency to respond to her..ONCE. She's a beautiful person with a beautiful personality. Damn funny too. I don't have the guts to reply to her email now (almost 4 months later), so I've decided to confess publicly and take the Internet walk of shame. Angelique I'm sorry. I apologize profusely. That was a rotten thing and I truly feel bad about it. You did nothing to deserve that, and again, I'm very very sorry. (sigh) I couldn't show my face online like everything was back to normal without expressing that. I hope she understands.

Greggy, Trent, and My Little Brown Girl, thanks so much for checkin' up on a sista. I'm aight and whatever part of me isn't WILL BE AIGHT. It's all relative and it will be all good sooner or later. OMG Alissa! You're all grown up! I memma when....lmao. Wow! Yooz a woman now! Congratulations!

BruthaCode, I've seen you evolve and grow in the blog world. Proud of you. Some of your posts actually had me cracking up laughing. I dig your style homie. Hustleman (Leon) is another funny blog I found. Dude is funny!!!!!! Thinks a lot like me, which is definitely a plus..lol.

So sup wiff me? Lots! I don't know where to begin. Here's the short list:


Evermean and family have begun to bounce back. It was soooooo hard witnessing it all. Being right there and feeling completely helpless, and watching the one you love emotionally and mentally evaporate. I went right along with her. We suffered together. So many times I wanted to walk away or run away b/c watching her hurt so badly and disconnect herself was horrible. It was the worst. I didn't have a magic wand. I didn't have a big red phone to call God on. I didn't have any super powers. And the Wonder Twins didn't show up. We were just together. Alone. In sadness. Complete and total, miserable SADNESS. Every single day. Every single minute. I'd sooner die myself than see her feel like that again. Seeing her happy for the first time was like seeing a baby born. AMAZING. And that's how I feel knowing I stuck it out with her. Things are getting back on track now...one step at a time. The best part of it is I know I truly love her.

I celebrated my 36th birthday last month. SUCKED. Closer to 40. No further comment.

Last month, I told Little Neck Peggy and friends to KISS MY GRITS! Me couldn't stands no more! They offered a ridiculous salary increase for me to NOT leave mid-contract but I made them choke off da smoke baby! There wasn't enough money they could've offered me to make me work with that hussy. So I rolled out (and took my source files with me). I guess this Karma formula works. Because as much as I wanted to ram a rusty umbrella handle up Peggy's ass and beat her with a spatula, I kept my cool. Remained professional. Produced good product. They were askin for an encore on my last day, but I bowed out gracefully. I even gave that maccaw loving freak a hug.

Back, in February I went on the hunt for a new gig. A 180-degree turn. Use what I got, forget what I want. Put on my shiny shoes and the best threads I had, and SOCKED IT TO EM NATHAN!!!!!!! lol Yep. Plus I had an impressive list of highly intellectual contacts in the biz. Now...gots me a new job! And get this. I'm somebody's boss. Five people call me dat. WOW! REFERENCES REFERENCES REFERENCES PEOPLE!!!

I'm in week three of the new gig. Lovin' it. The only problem is...where da black bosses at? I had to say that extra ghetto. WHEH IS AWL DA BLACK BOSSES AT? It's just me and another chick (that just LOOKs black..yah feeh meh?). They got a rack of black 'supervisors' (hmph), but nooooo managers or VPs. Scandalous. The air is definitely different up here in managerville. There are DIFFERENT types of conversations at OUR water cooler. All this time I never knew. Damn. It's another subculture of the workplace altogether! I'll tell you one thing. I wont be a shucker or a jiver. And I will not become an instant hooker-upper. Not that anyone expects that of me. I'm just making a point.

I have a new neice. She will be 1 in August of this year.

A crew of about 20 of us went to Savannah for our annual St. Patrick's Day debauchery. We can't stop. Damned savages. I didn't meet my old man humping quota though. Probably because the police coverage is WAAAAAAAAYY OVER THE TOP. Apparently, the spring breakers found out about it, which changed the whole game. Bitches!

I've turned into a bonafied reality TV junkie. Full blown addict I would say. It's really bad.

I met a cute little gal who randomly IM'd me while I was using an alias. Turns out she's an Endless Calamity fan. How's that for coincidence? You know I had to quiz her though. I had her ass like T.J. Hooker tryna find out which wire would disengage a bomb. "Is it YELLOW or RED??!!!" lol For some reason young girls dig me. Twentysomethings to be exact. Hmph. Evermean started off as a young girl when we got together ( @25 ). I've often teased her about being too old for me now ( @ 29 )...lol Gots to find me another one to mold. I'll call this little cutie Jay. Stop playing wiff me JAY..or Uncle Nona gon gitcha..lmao (I'm going to get killed by a mad cop lady if I don't stop). Jay! Stop abusing your Sidekick...lol She cool though. A little hot ass but cool. AND STOP BEING UNDERCOVER BISEXUAL AND SNEAKING AROUND ON YA MENS..LOL

And finally..

I HAVE A NEW LITTLE PUMPKIN!!!

Evermean bought her for me for Christmas. A Shih Tzu. My dream dog! We got her at 8 weeks from a breeder on a farm way out in Maryland. She was the only female in the litter. Love her! They are the sweetest breeds of dogs. So affectionate and borderline bipolar..lol. No. She just needs a lot of attention. Easy to potty train. Easy to love. And tooo tooo tooo cute for her own good. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce...

Bella Lupe


Her @ 2 months. I HAD to pimp her a little bit. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. lol




Her at 4 months


@ 6 months

Okay so now she really thinks she's a diva. Got family members fighting to dogsit her. She's on a first name basis at the groomer. She gets her hair done more than me. Her nails stay freshly polished. She done became the mayor of my town b/c our neighbors know HER name but not ours. So now I have to ban Evermean from taking her out. Bella's a chick magnet and I ain't havin' dat..lmao


Anyway yall...dass wussup for now. Back to hiatus mode. Will return soon.



Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Out of the Office

I will be on hiatus and will not post on this site for an undetermined period of time. Consider this my moment of silence.

In the meantime, visit my folks over there ---------------------------->>>

Good people, I'm tellin' you.....

NonaMartini

Fly Free




Though the ordinary man looks upon death with dread and sadness, those who have gone before know it as a wondrous experience of peace and freedom.


At death, you forget all the limitations of the physical body and realize how free you are. For the first few seconds there is a sense of fear -- fear of the unknown, of something unfamiliar to the consciousness. But after that comes a great realization: the soul feels a joyous sense of relief and freedom. You know that you exist apart from the mortal body.

Written by: Paramahansa Yogananda



I know Evermean's dad is in a better place. No longer does he have to deal with this hell we call Earth. He was a great human being and a cool person to know.

I am so proud of how Evermean is handling this. She's very strong which is why I love her so much. Keep her in your prayers.